The World's Worst Dictators
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1. Kim Jong-IlCountry He Dictates: North KoreaCrime Against Humanity: Hasn't sent his mom a Mother's Day card for the past seven years. |
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2. Alexander LukashenkoCountry He Dictates: BelarusCrime Against Humanity: Owns three cats but only changes their litter box twice a month. |
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3. Robert MugabeCountry He Dictates: ZimbabweCrime Against Humanity: Has never returned a Blockbuster DVD on time. |
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4. Hugo ChavezCountry He Dictates: VenezuelaCrime Against Humanity: Makes right turns without flashing his turn signal. |
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5. Raul CastroCountry He Dictates: CubaCrime Against Humanity: Once said "yes" when his girlfriend asked him if she looked fat in her dress. |
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6. Gurbanguly BerdimuhamedowCountry He Dictates: TurkmenistanCrime Against Humanity: Farted in public elevators and blamed his bodyguard. |
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7. Than ShweCountry He Dictates: MyanmarCrime Against Humanity: Takes two (and sometimes three) papers from the newspaper box when he only paid for one. |
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8. Sayyid Ali KhameneiCountry He Dictates: IranCrime Against Humanity: Routinely steals bath towels from hotels and then doesn't even use them. |
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9. Idriss DebyCountry He Dictates: ChadCrime Against Humanity: Has never in his life put the toilet seat down after using it. |
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10. Omar al-BashirCountry He Dictates: SudanCrime Against Humanity: Steals French fries from friends' plates when they go to the bathroom. |
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11. Bernard MakuzaCountry He Dictates: RwandaCrime Against Humanity: Holds loud cell-phone conversations in the movie theater. |
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12. Isaias AfewerkiCountry He Dictates: EritreaCrime Against Humanity: Rarely chips in when his buddies decide to get a few six-packs. |
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13. Muammar QaddafiCountry He Dictates: LibyaCrime Against Humanity: Once used a fake name during an online chat session. |
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14. Islam KarimovCountry He Dictates: UzbekistanCrime Against Humanity: Always peeks in the medicine cabinet when he's visiting friends. |
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15. Hu JintaoCountry He Dictates: ChinaCrime Against Humanity: Never hesitates to take the last donut or slice of cake at a party. |
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16. King Mswati IIICountry He Dictates: SwazilandCrime Against Humanity: Still owes his friend ten bucks from when the Broncos won the Super Bowl. |
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17. Teodoro Obiang Nguema MbasogoCountry He Dictates: Equatorial GuineaCrime Against Humanity: Will wear the same shirt three or four days in a row. |
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18. Ernest Bai KoromaCountry He Dictates: Sierra LeoneCrime Against Humanity: Neglected to report over 300 dollars' worth of income in 2003. |
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19. Meles ZenawiCountry He Dictates: EthiopiaCrime Against Humanity: Feeds off a neighbor's wireless connection for his laptop and hasn't once offered to pay him. |
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20. King AbdullahCountry He Dictates: Saudi ArabiaCrime Against Humanity: Has frequently slipped more than a dozen items through the "10 Items or Less" aisle. |
Can the world, for Christ's fucking sake, just get OVER Adolf Hitler once and for all? In the first place, he was SOOO 20th Century, and the last time I checked my wristwatch, we were a good nueve años into the 21st. And if you want to gauge a dictator's "Evil Factor" by how many corpses he left in his wake, Hitler wasn't even the champeen of his own century.
I'm not sure who doesn't want you to know this (well, I have a creeping suspicion, but it's considered dangerous to even suggest it without getting zapped by a cattle prod), but the most conservative estimates have Josef Stalin out-killing Hitler by at least five million and possibly as many as 20 million, while China's chubby-cheeked Mao Zedong blew both peckerwoods out of the water by slaughtering an estimated 40 to 77 million of his own countrymen.
But if we keep focusing on those scrubs from the past, we risk ignoring actual bad men doing actual bad things today. And if you BABIES keep spitting the silver spoon out of your mouths by endlessly going wah-wah-wah about America, you ignore the fact that it's far worse almost everywhere else across the globe. So in the spirit of earnest inquiry, I present to you 20 dictators who are acting like assholes as I speak. And just so you don't suffer too much "Hitler withdrawal," I've tried to find pictures of them in some variation of the "Sieg Heil" pose.