my pre-release soliloquy

Assuming that the justice system has no last-minute shenanigans to pull, the penitentiary gates will dilate like a giant steel anus and excrete me on Monday, October 23rd. I will leave prison harder and wiser than when I went in, not to mention more buff.

It is probably too late in the game to send me mail at Oregon State Penitentiary, which is why I've removed the contact information which hovered here for more than six months. My new snail-mail address will be posted as soon as... well, as soon as I have one.

For the coming few weeks, the best way to contact me is via e-mail, which can be accomplished by clicking HERE. You should also e-mail me if you wish to be placed on my electronic mailing list. I will retrieve your e-mail and answer it in due time. My decompression/reintegration phase will be stressful, so be patient, sweet spirits of Netland.

I am also dismantling the Jim Goad Prison Canteen Fund Charity Cyberspace Telethon. Many thanks to all those who selflessly donated their hard-earned clams to keep me awash in coffee, pre-stamped envelopes, and Dark 'n' Lovely shampoo - your rewards will be many. Please refrain from sending further contributions, since they'll be closing my account soon, and what's worse, I can't guarantee that the Department of Corrections will return your money orders once I'm released.

Muchas Gracias, Merci Beaucoup, and a hearty Teutonic Danke Schoen to all those who sent letters of support to me during this wacky sojourn behind bars. It's still somewhat amazing that over what will total two years, four months, and twenty-four days in lockdown, I received only one piece of what would be considered "hate mail," and that was a postcard from a gent toward whom I'd previously acted unpleasantly, so it's understandable. All the rest of the mail, and there was a lot of it, was pretty sweet stuff. I've kept every piece of it, and you all will receive Gold Card status on my mailing list, just a notch below the Platinum Card elite who sent me money. I haven't really figured out how this all will translate into a windfall for y'all in terms of durable goods or price discounts, but I'm working on it.

A special dollop of thanks to the woman who created and maintained my website for lo, these many months. She does not wish for me to mention her name, nor her nation of domicile, lest she be hunted down and beheaded by the usual suspects. Without ever complaining, she dutifully and graciously converted my penitentiary scrawlings from their trademark semi-legible ALL-CAPS-on-loose-leaf format into supple, lithe, bounteous electronic text. In the process, she has also become a good friend.

Once the dust settles, I intend to take over as helmsman of the site. I will do this for two reasons. First, I do not wish to burden the webmistress with any further taskmastering, and second, I'm a pathological CONTROL freak and will be tweaking and twisting the site into the wee hours of every morning, applying the same brand of unblinkingly fascistic typo-slaying and perfection-seeking to my website for which I'm notorious in the printed format.

Since the site went up in March [2000], I've added new articles in the haphazardly manner of a middle-aged tourist in Bermuda shorts slapping bumper stickers to the back of his rusting Volkswagen bus. I realize that some articles on the page now render other articles outdated; this will all be rectified with blinding, unforgiving precision.

In the coming weeks and months, you can rub your filthy little roach antennae together in gleeful anticipation of:

* Comical transcripts of online flame wars I've had with sundry netjerks in years past;

* Voluminous textual, pictorial, and video documentation of the ANSWER Me! years from my massive archives;

* Ordering info for sound recordings on which I've appeared, such as Hatesville!, S.W.A.T; Deep Inside a Cop's Mind, and Big Red Goad: Truck-Drivin' Psycho, as well as a planned CD of prison tunes;

* Sound files of my soothing voice reading from my own writings;

* The, er, "erection" of the Up With Negroes! website;

* Periodic editorials and news updates regarding my latest escapades;

* The occasional live chat.

Until then, all you Caucasians and Colored Folk of Cyberville, I remain your humble, grinning servant.

—Jim Goad, October 2000