anne ryan to jim goad
voicemail messages, 2/98 to 5/98

6:45 pm, February 5, 1998

What are you doing? I have an appointment tomorrow at 11:30 to take a look at rooms in Northwest Portland ... I think you'll be extremely jealous of me, and you can take—you can hole up in my room when you want to escape. So I talked to Mom about the situation. I told her [unintelligible] and she was like, "Why don't you just walk out of the relationship? Blahblahblah, it's not good for either of you ... " You know, it's like, "cause I'm in love with him ..." And then obviously she said that you don't feel the same about me that I feel about you, which is probably true ... You know, you don't call me, and you're never like, "Oh my God! I'm afraid you're going to cheat on me with somebody else ... " and you don't really care, so ... she told me to tell you to go fuck whoever you want, and I wish I could say that, you know? I really wish ... You know, I never thought I'd really care about a man. I really didn't want to. Part of me did not want to fall in love, and I guess that way I'm just—you rule my life. So anyway, I hope you're having fun. [end of message]

10:13 am, February 6, 1998

Hi, it's me, and I was just saying it might be necessary, ASAP, for you to take out some restraining order against me. Seriously, Jim, I'm infected with you ... I don't know any other way to describe it. I can't get over this, I can't wash it off me, I'm insane, that's all I can think about, I am so obsessed and possessive of you ... I'll go to extreme lengths to capture you, you better restrain me, and we both know what I'm capable of. I mean you've threatened to call the police many times, so let's get this filthy rotten piece of garbage out of your life once and for all. I'm going to be out all day tomorrow, but you can serve me with it's in the evening, I'll be home. I could meet—I'll be home after seven—the police. On Sunday morning I can always be served with it. Okay, thank you, bye-bye. [end of message]

11:16 am, February 6, 1998

Jim, where are you? I'm just worried ... I guess I should worry about myself, but ... .I think you're [unintelligible], contemplating you being with another woman! Jim ... oh my God, I'm totally becoming Christian ... Why do you have to be such a stud? I just wish you were ugly and I could tell you to fuck off, that I wasn't in love with you...Jim... [snarling sounds] I put a curse on yoooouuuu! [More evil snarling and squealing] You naughty little boy. Bye. [end of message]

4:51 pm, March 4, 1998

You want to fuck with me, motherfucker? You don't think I'll take it as far—are you laughing in my face right now? I don't care about consequences, asshole! I'm on my way, to your place, right now, to confront your fuckin' landlord, about you being his tenant, an assaulter. Er, an assaultant. So anyway, you'd better, you have two choices. You better come clean and fucking drive home from the fucking beach, or Darcy, or Darcy Number Two, or wherever the fuck you're at, you better come clean, fucking fly home from her house right now, get your ass over to your apartment before I get there, or you could have me talk to these people, including your wife. So, asshole, you have a choice. Get your ass over now and I will destroy you [sic]. [end of message]

8:33 pm, March 11, 1998

Well, Jim, I just returned from your place of residence, no, I did not knock on the door, but I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are doing laundry for your trip. So I will try again at 9:00. I will be at Holliday's Market eating, and I am crying right now, or on the verge of tears, because I don't know where the hell you are. [crying] So I suggest if you are out somewhere that you better toughen up and come clean and tell me what the hell is going on. Because I don't even know if I believe your other lame-ass excuses, like before you were just at the 99¢ store all day. I think that you were probably with somebody! And I for one am not going to be lied to. If you have any desires, that's fine, you know, we're just not gonna be together. You will regret it. There's going to be some complete severance! Jim, I won't be—the best thing that Debbie could do if she wants revenge is completely cut you off! You know, and that's what I will do. And you will regret it. But anyway, I don't know, maybe you're just doing laundry, I'm gonna be here until 8:30, at that point I'm gonna go over to Russ's and tell him that you're supposed to meet me there, and to let me in, because I don't know where the hell you are. I'm not going to see you for three days. I am freaking the fuck out. [still crying] But I realize you have to do your laundry. But it breaks my heart to think of what the hell you could be doing. [crying breaths] Damn, I wish I didn't love you so much. [end of message]

7:39 pm, March 22, 1998

[Tight, sneering voice] Hi, lovey-dovey who always wants to be near me and would never cheat on me, you fucking asshole. You better be there in 20 minutes, or a fucking rock is going through your landlord's fucking window. And if you ain't there, I don't care. If your landlord lets me in, I'm throwing away, every hour that you're gone, I'm throwing away all your ANSWER Me! magazines, all your letters, destroying your house, and this ain't gonna be a fun night for you, boy, cause I'm not in a good mood. And I'm destroying everything you fuckin' own. So you can even have the cops there, because I'm not gonna play quiet when you're not there, in 20 minutes. You're having a rock through your fucking window. And if your fucking landlord doesn't answer the phone, or lets me in, then I'm destroying every single possession you own. So be there in 20 minutes or get FUCKED! [end of message]

8:44 pm, April 11, 1998

Did she come by and pick you up? How sweet! Listen, Goad, I know for a fact that you're not home. I've just been all around your fucking house, the whole perimeter, I've surveyed it, the inside, and out, and I couldn't get on your roof but I rang the chimes, I know for a fucking fact that you're not there, buddy, the game is up, so get your stuff, have her drop you off, cause I ain't leaving the premises. [end of message]

8:29 pm, April 13, 1998

Darling, where are we at, the Farmhouse? Ah darling, you know what? I ain't gonna wait for that olive branch, cause I don't want it. You know what I was hoping for? That it would be you. But it's not, and you have destroyed my dreams. I know what you want, you just want casual sex. You are going to dispose of me... and you're not going to be able to get rid of me so easy. There's going to be...somebody's going to wind up dead, whether it's me or you. And don't think, [laughs] that I won't find a way. Don't think, for even a second, that you can get away. And I wouldn't be very sloppy about it, believe me. If you hurt me bad enough, you will be fuckin' blown to fuckin' pieces. You will be assassinated. And there is no way, unless you never want to make a public appearance again, that that's going to...ah...uh, I'm going to follow you, I'm going to find out where—you are a fuckin' famous personality. I'm going to find out where you are, and I'm going to blow your brains to fuckin' smither-fuckin'-reens! You fuckin' lied to me, about telling me one thing one minute while you're fucking me, "oh you love me so much" the next minute you don't believe in love... You want to say things to me to want to get laid—you fuck with my fuckin' head—and it's not—it's not cuttin' it. Your head—it's going to be out of this fucking universe. Your head's going to be blown to fucking shreds. You better pick up the fucking phone. [end of message]

10:55 pm, May 4, 1998

Yeah, I just wanted to say one last thing, um, well, a couple, A) I hope you email me tomorrow and let me know if you would want me to send you a hundred dollars and B) before you think about pressing charges I would just ask you not to, and that I know you...I'm sure you feel really damaged and you want me to suffer, and you know, by the things that you said to me on Sunday, and you know, everything was true that you said, about me being more obsessed with you and loving you more, and you just, you know, go around and fuck whatever, know, I'm going to be paying for this emotionally more than you ever will pay for it. So, well, let's not compare, but let's just say that the damage is done, I am suffering, you don't need to make me suffer any more, being that you know I have nothing, you know that you have your wife, who is pretty fucking cool, and she loves you, and you know you have your dog, which I fucking love to death, fuckin' so in love with, and miss like you wouldn't fuckin' believe. And, um, you know I do, in my sick, strange fucked-up, funny way of showing it, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do have feelings for you, and whether they're like selfish or I'm on my own head trip or whatever, it's going to fuck me up a lot, being away from you, even after everything that was said and done, so, um, you know, I'm going to have to pay for the door of my room, if you came back to my building, got me kicked out, you know that going back to my mom's that would just make her pay for this, and she shouldn't have to. And, well, I don't really think you're paying by living with Debbie, if you are kicked out, because I know that Debbie probably needs company, it's probably best for her anyway, she certainly sounds more cheery than I've heard her sound in a long time, so, hopefully it's good that you're over there and she's seeing somebody... But she is like, the coolest, strongest person I've ever heard. But anyway, I'm just babbling, so the point was, uh, please don't press charges... I'm gonna suffer, and I would like to reimburse you, however, and if your motive for court was just reimbursement, and restraining order to keep me away, that's fine, we could do these things outside of court. Get a restraining order, I don't care, either way, I'll leave you alone, and, um...goodbye. [end of message]

7:15 pm, May 5, 1998

Jim, okay, I have 3 important questions to ask you. A) are you gonna date other people? Or I guess you're not gonna tell me, it's none of my business... um, B) do I get visitation rights to Tyco? and C) please do not have me served with the restraining papers at my house, I'd rather have you serve them at my mom's house, or let me know, I'll call, or do whatever I have to do, but please, don't like, surprise me with your fucking restraining order papers. Okay? Great, goodbye. [end of message]

7:19 pm, May 5, 1998

[Crying] I'm gonna hope that you're on the other line, and I'm gonna hope to be know, you are going to hurt me so bad,'re just going to kill me. I think you want me to die, so you'd be so dramatic if Debbie died and I died, and you'd just be able to [?] off your second life...If you betray me again, I'm just going to...If you sleep with somebody else you're never going to see me again... If you're with somebody else, unless it's your wife...[crying] This always happens in always fuckin' ends up like this...[unintelligible] I'm not doin' it anymore, I'm not going to go through it... [there is a lengthy passage which is unintelligible due to background noise on my end and her crying and whispering] Anybody I've ever loved or cared about [unintelligible] [end of message]

9:32 pm, May 5, 1998

Hey winner, how the fuck does it feel to come out on top, you motherfucker? Where the fuck are you going to serve me with the restraining order at, because you don't really need to fuck with me anymore—I'll be willing to meet the police officer or whatever, but please do not show up at my house with a police officer. I can't believe know, you think you're going to date a supermodel after this, and you're just going to forget all about me, I don't really want to be just another notch in your fucking belt, of Duran, Debbie, me, blahblahblah, so, I mean I HATE THAT FUCKIN' LINE when people tell me, "There's a lot that I like about you Anne, BUT..." DON'T EVER FUCKIN' JUST TELL ME TO FUCK OFF! DON'T EVER FUCKIN' DO THAT! IT'S SO FUCKIN CONDE-FUCKIN'-SCENDING! I hate this world and I'm fucking—Ah! "Oh, I hope things work out for you, Anne...Ah, you're just a lost, troubled soul..." FUCK YOU ALL! I'M MORE OF A FUCKING MISANTHROPIST THAN ANY OF YOU! YOU'RE ALL FUCKIN' LIARS! YOU FUCKHEAD! [end of message]

10:18 pm, May 6, 1998

I am such a masochist—I really want to go to jail, so please hand this tape over to the police and tell them I'm calling you, I'm violating the restraining order, it's 10:15pm and I really really really need to go to jail. So, have them over here as soon as possible, 'cause I'm ready to go back, 'cause I have nothing to do on the outside. So, if you could do that for me, love of my FUCKING life, I would really appreciate it. I really want to go back there. And that way you could just fuck your brains out and have no problem, you know, with what's going on, even though I'm working on your goddamned BIRTHDAY present right now. I can't stay away from you, I'm gonna have to be behind bars, so go ahead, and do what you will, Jim Goad. [end of message]

9:58 pm, May 7, 1998

Um, hi, it's me, and um I just called because I have something to tell you. Well, I'm going to do an interview with Azmacourt, I decided, since you got a restraining order on me and are torturing me, and plus I need the I guess I was pissed at you today, I don't know why. I just emailed him. And it kind of like, pisses me off that I have been so loyal to you and so faithful and yet I feel like, dirty, when I do one of those things, something like that. Or I just call somebody if he's a guy, or I just, fuckin', had nothing sexually, you know, to do with nothing sexual whatsoever, but like I feel bad when you don't have like the same respect for me. I mean, I'm not the one who cheated, you did, put it that way. And I will never stray from you. And you will probably go out and do that, after I tell you this, because you think that I deserve it, oh my God, like I'm doing this to get back at you like you did with Debbie when she did those interviews, when in fact I'm going to claim my love for you to the world. And he wanted pictures, too, so I'm going to send him pictures of you and me with Tyco [Jim's Chihuahua]. Basically I'm going to portray a very Christian, wholesome image of us. And, well, it's all going to be a fable, or a fairytale of how I would like things to be. But I'm saying you're getting the restraining order we could all both explore our artistic careers, you know. So I could get into, you know, my alternative modeling career, and my writing career, and you could get into your writing career, so... we're career people now. 'Cause we're single and we're career people. So...anyway, yeah, basically I'm going to go proclaiming my faith to you, and I'm gonna talk about how I'm getting the branding, and, um, it's going to be all about you and how much I love you, and how perfect we are for each other, and um...the wholesomeness of it all, the Christianity, the contemporary country music, the faithfulness... I'm going to be talking, basically, about monogamy and my relationship with you, and that's nothing I feel ashamed about. And, um, utter devotion to you no matter what you do to me, even though I would never cheat on you and you are probably going to go do it right now, if you haven't already... I don't really care—I can't bear to hear about it, but, you know, there's nothing I can do but I will still be devoted to you. I can't kill myself, I'm just too much of a chickenshit right now, and, um, I just like being in your presence and touching your muscular don't think I can give that up yet. Alright, talk to you later, baby. Your one and only, I love you, bye-bye. [end of message]

1:30 pm, May 8, 1998

Um, yes, I'm calling to tell you I was served with your restraining order just about an hour and fifteen minutes ago by a plainclothes policeman who met me at my door, unexpectedly, but he was...I was relieved to see he wasn't in uniform, and he was very calm and handed me them over, and um, I had a good laugh, I have to tell you. I wasn't aware that you had sex with that pathetic mutant or that you—I don't know, the way things were worded, like you're just sitting on the couch and all of a sudden say, "Anne, I'd like to see other women." And I said "Aaargh!" You don't tell them that you tell me this every fucking day, but... And I'm being unreasonable—Well, you're just not gonna be able to fuck me the way that you like. What do you expect? I'm not going to have you rip me fucking open every night, and tell me things, and experience me like that, and say you love me, and then have it be like what you did to Tyco, and then threw him on the fucking ground the next day! [EDITOR'S NOTE: Although Jim freely admits to abusing women, he steadfastly claims never to have abused an animal. In fact, during a violent incident of 5/3/98, he cradled the Chihuahua protectively while Anne was running around the house, tossing items and ripping the phone out of the wall.] You know, I don't need that shit, my DAD pulled that fuckin' shit on me. So I don't know, if you're in a bad mood all the time, I don't need to be treated like that. If you can't be nice to me I can't be open with you, is what I'm saying. I'm not going to put my heart on the line, you know? That's what I'm realizing right now, and I'm like, how long is it going to take me to learn this lesson? Because it's just a long—you're just another person in a long series of people that I choose to let rule my world. And I'm not saying it's their fault, but I let them take advantage of me, you know... I tried too hard with you, I think. I cared too much about what you thought, because I didn't get the fucking same in return. And, um, I'll talk about the rest of this later. [end of message]

6:01 pm, May 19, 1998

Well, I'm not sure where to begin with you, but, um, I just want to say I don't even know why I remained with you for um...because basically you turned me into, um seeing you again after everything that happened. You have a restraining order against me; we're even more in the closet than a year ago. You don't love me, you don't worship my pussy the way that I worship your cock. You don't worship my features, anything about me. You know, physical attributes, or otherwise, I never, ever, maybe at the beginning a little bit, but I really gave so much power to you at the beginning, and I really said, "I'm a piece of shit and you're the greatest thing that ever lived, and do what you will with me." And, um, even though we spent so much time together, you were still seeing other women, and you still want to see other women, you laughed in my face, you said you didn't care about me when I was totally crying and on the verge of killing myself, and eating dogshit and drinking Drano, threw me out on my ass when I was living at your house, after you told me to live there...You do have your very manipulative ways, you wonder why Debbie doesn't have no friends, but let's see in a way if you can put yourself to blame for that. It's unbelievable to me still some of the things you said to her. [EDITOR'S NOTE: At least Jim never claimed to masturbate at the thought of Debbie's death ... ] Don't even compare my mom to Debbie, because she's not in this situation, I wasn't lying to my mom about seeing you, and it wasn't like this sexual dynamic going on here in this, you know, or romantic or bitter feelings...It's a separate triangle deal here, and you don't want to be bitched at—I'm not here to support you anymore, I'm not here to support a man who doesn't love me, doesn't care about me, will do anything he can to hurt me, including—you will not be satisfied—you play hard, and, um, look where Debbie's at, look where you're at, and you get mad at her still, you call her lazy and whatnot when she works so much harder, I mean, she does work harder than you because of what she has been through. And you say you're not selfish enough, I've never seen anybody so spoiled, so egotistical, so confident, so into himself... I hope you get everything you're looking for with your women, you will never ever see or hear from me again, goodbye. [end of message]