Let's Invade Canada

(AND MAKE IT A TRULY MULTICULTURAL PLACE)

Although I think it would be very, very funny if we were actually to invade and forcefully subjugate Canada, I'm actually somewhat serious when I say that we should at least consider doing so.

We can annex the Canadian territories peacefully or by force, and I must state for the record that I'd prefer it be by force if for no other reason than the personal amusement and emotional satisfaction it would bring me.

Even though we hear endless propaganda about how Canucks are our happy-go-lucky trade partners who share the world's longest undefended border with us, I believe it's in our nation's best interest to storm the 49th parallel and make Canada our 51st state.

I realize that the idea of invading Our Boring Neighbor to the North has been a comic device in films such as Canadian Bacon and the South Park movie. It has also been suggested in essays you can find all over the Net, ranging in intent from completely satirical to rabidly literal. So I'm by no means claiming that my idea is original. However, I like to believe that no man alive is able to articulate the reasons we should do this better than I can.

Invading Canada and immediately enslaving its inhabitants would be a good thing for the following reasons...

REASON #1:

We can get the fuck out of the Middle East and let them eat each other alive over there.

Canada's oil reserves are second only to Saudi Arabia's. Rolling right over Canada would be much quicker and less complicated than the current war in the Middle East, where our endless meddling over oil only further serves to stir the wrath of the bloodthirsty Mohammedan hordes.

There are 1.2 billion Muslims worldwide. There are only 33 million or so people in Canada.

It's much less risky to piss off the Canadians.

What are they going to throw at us—beer bottles and snowballs?

The rest of the world wouldn't really CARE as much if we invaded Canada, because, like us, the rest of the world doesn't really care about Canada generally or even think about it that much.

REASON #2:

IT NEEDS TO BE A MORE RACIALLY DIVERSE COUNTRY—LIKE, NOW.

Canadians accuse us of being a racist country, although America is far more diverse than Canada. By annexing Canada, we can use the almighty force of law to make it the Land of Diversity its current inhabitants desire it to be.

When Canadians criticize America, they rarely do so in terms of cultural, scientific, and global accomplishments, because they obviously can't compete with us on those levels. So they'll take the predictable route and blame us for all the supposed racism running wild through the streets here.

It's so easy to judge from atop the frozen sidelines, isn't it? It's tres facile for you to sit up there amid heaping mounds of snowballs and potatoes and condemn us, isn't it?

But let's look at the numbers: In 2006, there were nearly eight million more black people living in the USA than there were total people living in all of Canada. In 2006, there were 12.7 million more Hispanics living in the USA than there were total people living in all of Canada. In 2006, there were almost five million more foreign-born people living in the USA than there were total people living in all of Canada. Remember--Canada is actually larger than the USA. It's second in size only to Russia. Surely, if they're so serious about multiculturalism, they'd have room for some of these people.

There are currently—what?—an estimated five or so black people living in Canada, and they are officially known by their street name, "The Toronto Raptors." Canada hosts nearly four times as many Asians as they do blacks, and they ain't got many Asians. You need more than one race to be a racist country. You can't lecture anyone about racism when you haven't at least had an honest chance to be racist.

Being that Canadians are generally as white as their winters, their anti-racism rings a little hollow. Basically, the scope of their cultural diversity extends to a tolerance of the French--the worst of all possible groups to tolerate. But still they yammer about our tragic legacy of slavery, immortalized in the Steven Spielberg film Amistad. You probably didn't know that Canadians practiced slavery, too. It was abolished in Canada not by the Canadians, but by the British Crown-in 1834. Wow. You beat us to the punch by 31 years, and no one gives you any credit for it. That sucks. I'm going to gingerly raise the possibility that Canada's terrain and climate weren't exactly hospitable to a profitable slave-plantation economy. Their farming season is, what--one week in mid-July? What would slaves do in Canada, anyway--go ice-fishing?

What's most ironic is that Canadian public affairs and media are rife with a clearly articulated anti-Americanism that in any other context would be classified as bigotry. In a real sense they are largely and openly prejudiced against Americans, the only other quasi-ethnic group they've really ever had to deal with in large numbers. Their cold bronchial lungs blow a predictably icy blast of anti-Americanism that is both convenient and hypocritical. At times it seems as if a smug anti-Americanism is the defining part of their culture.

How many times will these jealous frozen knobs see fit to criticize our socially complex nation until we see fit to attack them?

Here's what I propose: After forcibly annexing Canada and taking its oil, we immediately transport one-half of America's nonwhite population there, as well as any whites who wish to go. We take your oil, and you receive a huge chunk of the diversity you deem to be so precious from afar. Let CANADA take the tired, the poor, the weary, the dysfunctional, and the smelly for a change. There'd be no more Manitoba or Saskatchewan or Alberta, if those places ever really existed in the first place. It'd be one big fat frozen welfare state called "Canada," and we'd use it like the Russians use Siberia. I also propose the immediate and earnest construction of a Repopulation Superhighway leading between Mexico and the new American state of Canada. By annexing Canada, I need to make clear that I am not proposing that we unify all of North America into one nation. I can't see the benefit of invading Mexico. No one is moving there. They're all moving here. Let's keep it an uninterrupted flow from Mexico north to Canada. Let's build a Human Habitrail leading directly from Matamoros to Ottawa. Hello, People of the Ice? Open up your hearts, because we're sending millions of your beloved People of the Sun your way.

REASON #3:
Canadians are boring.

Canada is a majestic land of unspoiled natural wonderment, but the human beings who inhabit it bear absolutely no responsibility for that fact. Instead, Canadians themselves have brought nothing of beauty--whether it be literary, musical, cinematic, cultural, or philosophical--with which to complement the magnificent natural backdrop that frames their dull, ugly existence.

Go to wikipedia's "Famous Canadians" page if you want a good laugh. Scroll down and down and down past names you've never heard and will probably never hear again if you don't make a conscious decision to do so. Of the few names you actually HAVE heard, nearly all of them had the good sense to move to America once they made a name for themselves.

During the days of the British Empire, Canada is apparently where the Crown decided to send all its boring people. Think about it--these are people so innately exciting, they pick a fucking LEAF as their national symbol. A fucking LEAF.

You were too cowardly and weak to rebel against the British Empire, and you still haven't officially wrested yourself away from the Queen's saggy teat. You have no culture because you never really had the balls or ingenuity to invent yourself like America did. You've had your unimaginative baby mouth glued entirely to England's mossy tit until very, very recently. Face it, Canada--you're just a former British colony that never amounted to much. You're Pete Best, and we're The Beatles. Americans don't know much about Canada because there isn't much to know. Canada has an inferiority complex for a good reason. It's inferior. We're not culturally imperialistic--we just HAVE a culture, and your lack of one causes ours to fill the vacuum you've created with your own unoriginality. You hate us because we get all the attention.

But if there was anything about Canadian culture that was remotely interesting or innovative or that inspired emulation, the world would have recognized it by now. You're a weirdo tribe of people so out of your fucking minds, you caught a distant glimpse of the Northern Lights and thought that a place NORTH OF MINNESOTA would be a hospitable environment to raise anything but a family of polar bears. You beheld a frozen, dismal, Arctic hell, and you said, "Yeah--THIS is where I'm gonna lay down roots!" You'll notice that not too many people followed you. I've HAD IT with Canada. Fuck a Canuck. Canada, I'm all for bannin' ya. I don't even like Canadian bacon. I always order the Sausage & Egg McMuffin instead.

Canadians aren't all bad, though. I admire George Chuvalo and Stompin' Tom Connors.

Of course you've never heard of them.

They're Canadian.