They’re Contagious! They’re Revolting! They’re the…
New Wave of STDs
Sexually Transmitted Diseases, a.k.a. STDs, are an unfortunate factor in every sex worker’s life. We all like to pretend that life within the industry is nothing but glamor, fast cash, and reduced cover prices at The Great Alaskan Bush Company, but the sobering truth is that our clients sometimes leave us with more than blown wads and $100 bills...they sometimes litter our crotches with a veritable flea circus of beasties invisible to the naked eye.
The Devil never rests, and neither do STDs. Just when we thought we had a handle on HIV, Hep-C, and the clap, along comes a bold New Wave of intimately transferred maladies such as Scrotal Mice, Genital Leprosy, and Ass Moss. As a token of our concern for the well-being of sex workers everywhere, I present this overview of the latest, hottest venereal diseases.
As sex workers, we need to educate ourselves about this frightening New Wave of microscopic critters that threatens our health and livelihood. We need to hold workshops. We need to build communities. We need government subsidies for needle-exchange and free-condom programs. We need federal grants to film educational videos and to produce “virally aware” pornography. We need to do everything within our power to ensure that we never, ever have to get a real job.
DISEASE: Human Scrotal Micro-Rodent Infestation (HSM-RI)
SLANG TERMS: “Scrote Mice”… “Nut Rats”
DESCRIPTION: The male testes become overrun with actual tiny Rhodesian Micro-Mice, each about the size of a picnic ant. The scrotum becomes itchy and reddened. The vermin are passed between partners during genital contact. Although the mini-mice afflict both genders, they tend to prefer nesting in male genitals because they allegedly taste better.
TREATMENT: There is no cure for scrotal mice; you just have to learn to feed and care for them.
DISEASE: Genital Leprosy
SLANG TERMS: “Leper Dick”… ”Purple Penis Eater”
DESCRIPTION: Over the past two decades, a mutant strain of Mycobacterium leprae has been identified, one which zeroes in on human “naughty bits” and ignores the rest of the body. In male Genital Leprosy, the penis develops purple, mushy blotches as if it were an overripe banana. In time, the organ falls off the body, leading to shattered relationships and heartache. In females, the disease gnaws all the way up the vaginal walls until the uterus dislodges and plops to the ground, often at the worst possible moment.
TREATMENT: Until a cure is found, I recommend relocating all those diagnosed with Genital Leprosy to Genital Leper Colonies, where they will huddle together and suffer the condemnation, fear, ridicule, and good-natured ribbing of mainstream society.
DISEASE: Sapphic Mammarian Acne Syndrome (“SMAS”)
SLANG TERMS: “Tit Zits”… “Boobie Pimples” ... “Dyke Bumps” ... “Pizza Tits”
DESCRIPTION: Government-funded dermatologists working covertly within the lesbian underground have recently discovered an epidemic of “lesbian acne” that only afflicts lesbians, and only their chest area. Sapphic Mammarian Acne Syndrome is similar to classic acne in that it is more of a cosmetic nuisance than a full-bore health problem, more unsightly than painful. It is spread when lesbians engage in breast-on-breast contact (i.e., “rubbin’ boobs”) as part of Lesbian Foreplay. Since the “Lesbian Code” forbids lesbians from talking to non-lesbian reporters, police, and health workers, it has been difficult for us Normal People out here in the Real World to study this disease and search for a cure. Because of the Lesbian Wall of Silence, the disease has spread unchecked throughout the girl-on-girl community. Experts estimate that roughly 85% of lesbians now suffer to some degree with the everyday shame of “Pizza Tits.” Although science has yet to isolate the culpable microbe, its prevalence within the lesbian community is thought to be due to their countless unhygienic practices.
TREATMENT: There is no known cure for lesbianism.
DISEASE: Opportunistic Sphincteral Mold-Spore Infestation (“OSM-SI”)
SLANG TERMS: “Butt Mold”… “Ass Moss” ... “Anal Mildew”
DESCRIPTION: This sexually transmitted mold spore, Hemorrhalis Rectillus, is a close cousin of the bright-green moss that clings to the tall trees in the Pacific Northwest’s coastal forests. The mold thrives on the rich bacterial flora and fauna which call the human rectum their home. During anal sex, microscopic spores are rubbed loose from the host penis onto the recipient’s rectal walls and sphincteral rim. Within a week or so, a rich green blanket lines the victim’s rectum and grows outward from his or her anus. Because of the mossy obstruction, defecation becomes extremely painful. The mold is thought to have been initially spread among male coastal loggers during rainy winters away from their families.
TREATMENT: Most home-and-garden centers are now aware of the ass-moss problem and sell a product called MOSS LOSS that kills the spore which causes Opportunistic Sphincteral Mold-Spore Infestation. (Due to the embarrassment and social ostracism that invariably accompany an ass-moss diagnosis, most stores discreetly sell MOSS LOSS behind the counter.) It comes in a spray bottle. Just squirt it on your anus three times a day for a week, and your tush-mold problem disappears! It also works wonders on dandelion and ragweed!
DISEASE: Involuntary Pubic Hair Conditioning Virus (“IPHCV”)
SLANG TERMS: “Relaxed Pubes”… “Pubo-Sheen” ... “Salon Crotch”
DESCRIPTION: This virus is transmitted almost exclusively via saliva from the mouths of hair stylists, both male and female, when performing oral sex upon their partners and/or customers. The virus attaches itself to pubic follicles and, feeding on proteins contained therein, excretes a viscous waste fluid that has an emollient effect similar to the priciest hair conditioners purchased in salons from Paris to Milan. Almost overnight, pubic hair straightens out and grows long ’n’ lustrous as if it were flowing from atop a supermodel’s head—sassy, shiny, bouncy, and tangle-free!
TREATMENT: Are you kidding? People would KILL for a mane of pubes like that!