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    jimgoad.net :: fun vagina facts

    Fun Vagina Facts

    CANYON CUNT
    The largest vagina ever recorded is thought to have belonged to seven-foot eight-inch Anna Swan (1846-1888), a long-legged Scottish temptress who once plopped out a 26-pound baby, the biggest bambino recorded in world history. Although I was unable to uncover any recorded evidence of her vagina's exact dimensions, it's safe to assume you could comfortably fit a computer monitor in there.

    TINY 'GINEYS
    The annals of medicine are crammed with accounts of women whose functional adult vaginas were less than an inch in depth. Other women are born with little dents in the pubic area rather than fully developed vaginas. Extensive surgery, lubrication, and patience can help ameliorate this problem. The smallest vaginas, though, are the ones that don't even exist. Roughly one in 5,000 female babies is born sans vagina. How, then, do doctors know they're female? I suppose because they complain a lot. But surgeons are now able to fashion fake vaginas for these unfortunate infants.

    WOMEN ARE SO SENSITIVE
    Although most clitorises are far smaller than most penises, they contain twice as many nerve endings as the larger, dumber male organ.

    CLITS BIG ENOUGH TO BE DICKS
    In 1744, Sir Edward Home described a native woman in the West Indies whose clitoris, when aroused, was thicker than a thumb and three inches long. Around the same time, a Swiss biologist claims to have examined a gal whose swee'pea measured a robust seven inches. And an 1813 account in a French encyclopedia mentions a woman with a 12-inch clitoris resembling "the neck of a goose."

    I GOT BUDDHA IN MY VAGINA
    Eastern religions seem generally more cunt-friendly than those in the vadge-hating West. For example, Tantric Buddhism pinpoints the essence of Buddhahood--it nestles within a woman's private parts. And the word "cunt" is derived from Cunti, one of many titles accorded Hinduism's bitch-0goddess Kali.

    COCK STRANGLERS
    Although the legend of "vagina dentata"--a pussy with teeth poised to rip off the male organ--is known to be a myth, there is some evidence that certain women have vaginal muscles strong enough to clamp down on the male organ and prevent it from withdrawing. Known clinically as penis captivus, it is thought to be caused by involuntary spasms in the levator ani muscles deep in the vagina, which hold onto the penis head and refuse to let it go until it pays child support.

    TWICE THE DARKNESS
    In rare cases women are born with two vaginas, which, one presumes, would make them twice as annoying.

    ORGASMS ARE GOOD FOR YOU
    Orgasms alleviate menstrual cramps because the force of the special moment's muscular contractions helps cleanse the woman's dainty bits of the gunky fluids that accrete during her cycle. Orgasms also cure headaches because they release endorphins into the bloodstream.

    GIRL JUICES
    Like the eye, the vagina is a self-cleaning organ. During a normal menstrual cycle, a woman's vagina will spew forth a total of two to six tablespoons of blood. During ovulation, her punani will burp up one or two teaspoons of liquid discharge in order to clear the cervix of dead cells. The rest of the month, her cooter will spit forth only a half-teaspoon of fluid per day.

    A GERM-INFESTED SLIME PIT
    The average human girl-gash is host to 15 different strains of bacteria, "good germs" designed to ward off the renegade "bad germs" which can invade a vagina and make life hell for everyone.

    SCIENTISTS FOR BUSH
    Some physiologists argue that hairy vaginas prevent friction and create a pleasant cushioning effect during intercourse. A full bush can also retain vaginal odors which some men find enticing. The longest female pubic hair on record measured 28 inches, which is pushing it.

    ONE HAPPY SNAPPER
    The world record for most orgasms belongs to a dame who came 134 times in one hour. The longest continuous female orgasm clocked in at 43 seconds and featured 25 contractions.

    I THOUGHT IT WAS THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER
    The Hite Report ...uh...reported that the phallic object used most often by female masturbators is the candle.

    NEW HOPE FOR MEN WITH ONE-INCH DICKS
    The first inch of the vaginal canal is by far the most "pleasure-receptive," according to Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    A CUNT by any Other Name

    A list of several delightful words and phrases to use when you really mean to say "vagina"

    ABYSS, THE
    BEARDED CLAM
    BEEF CURTAINS
    BIRTH CANNON
    BLACK BESS
    BLUEBEARD'S CLOSET
    BONE YARD
    BUM FIDDLE
    BUTTER BOAT
    CABBAGE FIELD
    CAPE HORN
    CATCHER'S MITT
    CLOVEN TUFT
    COCK SOCKET
    COD CANAL
    COOTER
    CRADLE OF FILTH
    CREASE
    CROTCH COBBLER
    CUM DUMPSTER
    DEAD-END STREET
    DICK SHARPENER
    DOODLE SACK
    EEL SKINNER
    FANCY BIT
    FISH FACTORY
    FLAMING LIPS
    FLESH TUXEDO
    FLYTRAP
    FOOFY BIRD
    FUN TUNNEL
    FURBACK TURTLE
    GOLDFINCH'S NEST
    GOO POT
    GRAVY BOAT
    GRINDSTONE
    GUTTED HAMSTER
    HAIRY MANILOW
    HAPPY VALLEY
    HIDEY HOLE
    HOO-HA
    JACK STRAW'S CASTLE
    KNOB GOBBLER
    LADY JANE
    LAPLAND
    LOBSTER CLAW
    MADGE
    MAGPIE'S NEST
    MANHOLE
    MAP OF TASMANIA
    MARK OF THE BEAST
    MEAT MUFFIN
    MOOSE KNUCKLE
    MOTHER OF ALL SOULS
    MOUNT PLEASANT
    MUSTARD POT
    ORGAN GRINDER
    PECAN PATTIE
    PENIS PENITENTIARY
    PERIWINKLE
    PINK CANOE
    PUNANI
    PIPE CLEANER
    PRICK PURSE
    QUIVERING QUIM
    RED-HAIRED LASS
    ROCKET POCKET
    RUSTY AXE WOUND
    SACAPUNTAS
    SALT CELLAR
    SAUSAGE WALLET
    SCABBARD
    SILK IGLOO
    SKUNK GUTS
    SLOBBERING BULLDOG
    SMELLY JELLY HOLE
    SNAKE CHARMER
    SOUTH POLE
    SNAPPER
    SPERM HARBOR
    SPLIT KNISH
    STENCH TRENCH
    STICKY BUN
    SUGAR BASIN
    TAFFY PULLER
    TINKLEFLOWER
    TROUT BASKET
    TUNA TACO
    TWAT WAFFLE
    UNDER-DIMPLE
    VADGE
    VERTICAL GRIMACE
    VELVET GLOVE
    WEENIE WRINGER
    WHISKER BISCUIT
    WILLY WASHER
    WOUND THAT NEVER HEALS, THE
    YA-YA
    YEAST CAKE
    YONI
    YUM-YUM

    Copyright © 2014 Jim Goad  ::  The World's Bravest Man

    How would you feel about a law that would make it a felony for white people to wear dreadlocks?
    It would be racially discriminatory and thus unfair
    It would be entirely justified

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