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    jimgoad.net :: fun penis facts

    Fun Penis Facts

    STRAIGHT TALK ABOUT ERECTIONS
    A healthy male averages 11 erections per day--nine of them while asleep. After ejaculating, it can take him anywhere from two minutes to two weeks to achieve another erection.

    GALLONS OF CUM
    The average man shoots one to two teaspoons of cum per orgasm. During his life, he will cum over 7,000 times, resulting in 14 gallons o' jizz, give or take a few drops. Each load contains approximately seven calories, and each spurt whizzes through the air at around 28 MPH.

    FROM SHOWER TO GROWER
    On average, a limp penis will increase in volume 300% when it is erect. It will also contain more than eight to ten times its normal amount of blood.

    BIG ONES
    The biggest erect penis ever recorded was 13.5 inches. Researchers estimate that fewer than 5,000 men on earth have a penis 11 inches or larger.

    SMALL ONES
    History tells the sad tale of many men whose full erections didn't even stretch out to a half-inch. Scientists refer to this condition as "micropenis," which can be surgically remedied to the point where the sufferer can boast of a still-laughable post-op three-inch schween. For every 35 or so pounds that a man gains, his penis will appear an inch smaller. Napoleon was rumored to be totin' a notoriously small cock, causing him to freak out and attempt conquering the world. The ancient Greeks favored itty-bitty male organs, deeming them more visually pleasing than veiny purple power tools.

    THE MYTH IS A TINY BIT TRUE
    The Kinsey Report verified the longstanding rumor that black men have larger penises than whitey. The average black male's hard-on measures 6.3 inches, leaving the white man far behind at a pitiful mean of 6.2 inches.

    BOYS WILL BE BOYS
    Male fetuses can sport wood during the third trimester, according to Ultrasound tests.

    SMELLS LIKE A BONER
    Aromas reputed to increase penile blood flow: licorice, pumpkin pie, lavender, donuts, and chocolate.

    SUPER-DUPER SPERM-SCOOPER
    Scientists have recently speculated that the head of the human penis evolved into its current "mushroom" shape in order to scoop rival males' sperm out of the vagina.

    SMITE THEIR LAND AND SEVER THEIR PENISES
    Around 1300 B.C., victorious Egyptian troops marched home with more than 13,000 severed Libyan penises. Seven hundred years later, Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar rolled over Jerusalem and sliced off thousands of Jewish weenies.

    TESTIFYING ON TESTICLES
    In pre-biblical times, men would swear on their own penises. The word "testify" is derived from a Roman legal practice of swearing on one's testicles. The word "penis" comes from the Latin word for "tail."

    DOUBLE TROUBLE
    In 1609, an Italian physician documented the first case of a man with diphallasparatus (two or more penises). This ultra-rare condition has since been found in less than 80 men.

    NOT SO PLEASED TO MEET YOU
    Australia's Walibri tribesmen say hello by shaking one another's penises.

    LONGEST MONEY SHOT
    Medical researchers once recorded a man whose wad sailed a staggering 11.7 feet. The best I can manage is to squirt myself in the face every so often.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    What's Another Word for DICK?

    My Fave Penile Euphemisms of, Like, All Time

    ACTION JACKSON
    ALBINO CAVE DWELLER
    APPLE-HEADED MONSTER
    BALD HERMIT
    BALONEY PONY
    BAVARIAN BEEFSTICK
    BEAVER BUSTER
    BEEF BUGLE
    BIG JAKE THE ONE-EYED SNAKE
    BILBO BAGGINS
    BLOOD-ENGORGED MAYONNAISE CANNON
    BLOW POP
    BOB DOLE
    BONE PHONE
    BOWLEGGED SWAMP DONKEY
    BREAKFAST BURRITO
    BUSHWHACKER
    CAPTAIN WINKY
    CATTLE PROD
    CHICKSICLE
    CHOWDER DUMPER
    CORNDOG
    CRIMSON CHITLIN'
    CYCLOPS
    DANGLING PARTICIPLE
    DINGUS
    DIPSTICK
    DOLPHIN
    DOODLE DANDY
    DOUGHNUT HOLDER
    EL CAPITAN
    EXCALIBUR
    FALLOPIAN FIDDLER
    FLAPDOODLE
    FLESHY WINNEBAGO
    FUCKSTICK
    GASH MALLET
    GHERKIN
    GIGGLE-STICK
    GULLY-RAKER
    HE WHO MUST BE OBEYED
    HEAT-SEEKING MOISTURE MISSILE
    HOG
    HOMEWRECKER
    HOMO ERECTUS
    JOJO THE CIRCUS CLOWN
    KIDNEY-SCRAPER
    KOJAK
    LICKIN' STICK
    LITTLE WILLY
    MEAT MUSKET
    MENSTRUAL MINER
    MR. CLEAN
    MR. MOJO RISIN'
    MUSCLE OF LOVE
    NEBUCHADNEZZAR
    OLD BLIND BOB
    ONE-EYED JACK
    OVARIAN POOL STICK
    PAJAMA PYTHON
    PURPLE-HEADED WOMB BROOM
    RECTUM ROOTER
    SCHLONGMASTER 2000
    SCHMECKEL
    SNAPPER SLAPPER
    SQUIRMIN' HERMAN THE ONE-EYED GERMAN
    STRUMPET THUMPER
    TACO WARMER
    TALLYWHACKER
    THUNDERSTICK
    TROUSER TROMBONE
    VERGA
    VERVE PIPE
    VLAD THE IMPALER
    WEE WILLY WINKY
    WHAMMY BAR
    WHORE THERMOMETER
    WIGGLE STICK
    WOMB BROOM
    WONGUS

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